Growing to fear
Unlike many people in my class, I'm not afraid of success, failure, sparring or patterns. Even stretches, as long as I am hydrated, can no longer tire me too much. I was a little obese when I first started, but that's not too much of a bother to me.
I wanted success badly, I was prepared for failure as well. Patterns and moves were taken by me seriously, and I had my ultimate goals.
My cousin was also a learner once, but he gave up when he was a blue belt with a stripe of red. I had trodden on the path he walked too much; I wanted to be different. I was in the same school he used to be in (That was what I think had driven me slightly off the edge) I realized, I was suffering from depression because of this change of school and nobody listened to it. It has been 2 years, all my parents say is it will go away but no, it hasn't.
So I chose this path, willing to give up the rebellious and pride, which made up more than half my personality. I didn't want to be a shadow of my cousin anymore; the only fear I had was that insanely angry part of me that I kept hidden for 2 years, and let it all out at my first sparring.
Because I was older but the same height as most kids in my class, I had to spar with a red belt for my first time. Angry instincts took it all out on my red belt friend, and
I cornered him easily until our instructor had to instruct me to stop. After I returned to my former calm self, my friend told me in fear that I wasn't a bad shot. I then apologized to him and started to fear this spirit in me.
Sometimes in sleepless nights, I would ask myself; what has become of me? What became from an innocent popular primary 6 girl student, just taking 2 years to become an angry unpopular secondary 8 girl student?
But after this, I promised to myself, I WILL control this one day and I WILL achieve a black belt. No matter what it takes. No matter how long it takes.
Tiffany the Yellow/Green beltLinda's reply
Your story is one of courage. To contemplate and face these feelings and situations is very commendable. Practicing taekwondo will only make you stronger and will be a process of personal self development which will help you manage everything you are feeling and more.
You are also at an age where your biology is changing and can wreak havoc on you as a teenager. As you become an adult, these emotions will settle down and taekwondo is an amazing practice for calming your mind in the face of adversity - mind, body and spirit.
I can tell you have the spirit of a warrior and you will achieve your black belt through hard work and humility one day. Its a great journey and I'm so glad you're on it.
Thanks for your story Tiffany and I look forward to hearing about your continued growth in taekwondo.